I’ve been feeling the pinch of time lately. Maybe it’s getting older. Maybe it’s some of the crazy things I have going on in my life right now. But it feels like it’s something that is always on my mind lately.
I don’t feel like I have enough time.
Some of that is my own fault. Either just passing the time in indecision about what I want to be doing, or sitting around distracted from what I want to with things that aren’t as important. My phone likes to grab my attention and just hold on to it like a cowboy holding on to the bull at the rodeo. I can be in the middle of reading, writing, playing a game, or even watching that movie I’ve been wanting to, and suddenly I find I’ve been doom scrolling for the last fifteen minutes. It’s wild. The indecisiveness is just as bad. Sometimes I’ll just sit for a half hour trying to decide what I want to be doing. Do I want to read this? Play that? Do I have time for accomplishing anything if I sit down and write? All the while looking at the clock knowing I only had an hour and a half to do whatever it was I was going to do. Other times, they both tag team and my indecision lets me get distracted by my phone and it’s just ten times worse.
It is one of those things that I’m feeling more with trying to put out posts every week. I hoped I’d be more ahead so a week with lots going on wouldn’t set me back, but here I am slowly losing the buffer I had built wondering what next week’s post is going to be. Which causes my anxiety to go up. “I gotta get this done,” or “what happens if I fall behind and miss sending out a post?” It’s funny cause to some degree the stakes right now for posting are at their lowest. I have such a small amount of people that I’ve even attracted to read everything. And honestly, that’s pretty ok right now. I want people to jump on, but that can’t be the only reason I’m doing this. I wanted to start writing to push myself into getting into better habits of writing first and foremost. I want to finish my novel, get better at writing, and slowly build an audience. That’s exactly what I’m doing.
Yet my time feels like it’s slowly getting jumbled. I’ve mentioned I have a few things going on (which I plan on elaborating on at least one of those things in the newsletter for November, if not all of it) and it is going to be disrupting some of what I’ve had as a normal. Which in turn makes the idea of hanging onto and having “me” time feel like it’s changing, maybe more than it actually is going to. It may not be as bad as I like to make things out in my head. But it still feels like it’s shaking up my brain like a soda can and is about to be opened and making a mess of everything. I’m anxious about how my normal is going to be changed, which in turn is going to rapidly change my time and how I’m managing it.
So I am in a season of trying to work on my focus. Recently I finally started using one of the focus features on my phone, and was blown away at how much it actually helped. Based on that small run, I think I’m going to need to build a few more focus modes for what I’m trying to do or work on, especially as things rapidly change. That should help with the phone part. I also am working on being more decisive. Even if that only means making the decision and feeling like I wish I’d made the other after the fact. It at least eliminates the lost time.
Along with that, I’m working on setting better times for working on my writing. I want to be not only working on it more often, but being better at it. Some of that may not come, as I suspect my method of building story is not always super easy to just break through. I’ve seen where I’ve grown and can get through stories better than I used to, but it still feels like working out the puzzle in my mind isn’t as fast as I’d like it to be. But, if I’m working on it more consistently, I’ll become a better writer in general and maybe will unlock some of that slower process. On the other hand, it may be something that I’ll just be banging my head against the wall more frequently working on things. Either way, it’s the progress that’s important. Great or small.
That’s what I’m working on here. I’ve had people recently ask what my dream job would be. I don’t think I could take over the radio booths of my favorite sports teams, and I’m not going to probably find my way back into a band that makes it, or make it as a game streamer. I think I have a chance writing though. I don’t know that I’ll make it like Stephen King or Tom Clancy, but I think I could make a living selling stories if I’m working at it. So I’m working on prioritizing this with my time. Some days I’m sitting down to my computer going, “what on earth am I going to write that anyone will care about?” I gotta press on though, and use the time well if I’m ever going to get to a place where I can make that dream a possibility.
So while I’m struggling with the possibility and likely reality of my time being choked a bit, I am resolved to work on it. To prioritize the things that are important to me. If that means I have less time to play games I’d love to write about (You best believe I’m going to write about games at some point soon), that’s what I’ll have to do. This is important, and the time spent here isn’t like other things that I’d consider hobbies. There is the element of work to it which sometimes makes it harder to decide to sit down and write rather than go and do a more relaxing activity. Putting in repetitions to get better is important though. I think it’s working, and I hope and believe that eventually more feedback will come in on that for me proving that to be the case.
The biggest thing that makes the difference that I have seen is actually doing the important things. Some of the less important things become identified when you realize that’s what you’re cutting out or just cutting down on. It’s not easy, but it’s something that can be done. People find time to do things in all kinds of circumstances. It’s a matter of choosing to do the things that are important and necessary for you rather than just putting things off.
I’m not sure how exciting this thinking out loud about things has been for you, but it’s been a good exercise for me to get this out since it’s been rattling around my brain. All summed up, it’s a reminder I need to stop stressing out so much about how little time I feel like I have: As long as you’re breathing, there is time to make time for the important things.